FiveFamilyPlusOne

It was an early summer morning when I realized that we might need a pregnancy test. This was hilarious to me.  I mentioned it to my husband and we laughed about it – of course, it wouldn’t be positive, of course.

We were done having babies. We had made the decision to move into a new season of life more than two years ago – after a lot of prayer and conversation and waiting. The reasons for our decision were our own but we knew we had made the right decision. We were a “five-family,” as the tinies called us, and I was content. I was even learning to make peace with The Ache. I loved the baby season of our life and I will always miss it. But I loved our new season of life, too, and we had begun to orient our life to school-age kids. I began to “lean in” to my own vocation as a writer and even an occasional preacher with joy.

So when I picked up that early-result test really it was just to put my mind at ease. I couldn’t be pregnant, no way.

***

One early Saturday morning in June, Brian sat on our bed waiting for me to emerge with the expected news. Instead, I walked out of that washroom and simply looked him dead in the eye. “No way,” he said, “no. way.”

And we began to laugh – a little hysterically, I admit.

We laughed every time we looked at each other for the next three weeks.

***

We told the tinies that very day. We made the tactical error of taking them out to dinner at a non-kid-friendly establishment. Evelynn had not had a nap that day and she was ferocious in her exhaustion. I ended up spending most of the meal walking her out of the restaurant for her behaviour. When Brian finally blurted into a brief quiet moment that we were having a new baby, I was feeling frazzled and exhausted, Evelynn was still on the brink of a melt-down, the other two tinies were starving, and we looked like a three-ring circus to everyone else within range.

The serving girl looked overwhelmed for us when we told her why we were there “to celebrate! a new baby!” And then the tinies cheered and I cried because I was nonsensically happy with my circus. And then Evelynn and Joe got into a yelling match about whether the baby would be a boy or a girl and I decided to pull the plug on the dinner. For pity’s sake, let’s just go home, I like all of you people better when we’re at home and properly rested.

A new baby, of course, Lord, because life isn’t crazy enough already.

***

We told our families and closest friends that day, too. I think we needed the moral support. I think we needed someone to say, “it’s okay, you’re going to do great, you can totally do this.”

Because in those early days, all I could think about was how my life was being completely reoriented and I hadn’t planned for this and my life was going to have to run to catch up to this news.

I felt scared and overwhelmed, grateful and disoriented.

And yet I was so happy.

***

We told the tinies not to tell anyone. We made a great show on the Sunday morning about keeping secrets. But the very first thing that the tinies did when they walked in to church was to inform everyone: “Mummy’s having a BABY!”

PSA: Tinies are crap at keeping secrets. We only managed to keep this pregnancy a secret from Facebook. Everyone in our real life found out within 2 minutes of running into the tinies.

***

But it didn’t take long for the fear to set in. This is my eighth pregnancy even though I only have three children. We seem to be able to get pregnant easily – it’s holding onto the babies that is the trouble. And now I am considered “an older mother” – my risk factors in early pregnancy are high.

And so my primary job in early pregnancy seems to be fighting the fear and the anxiety, trying to choose hope and faith on a near daily basis.

With every baby I have lost, I have had zero pregnancy “symptoms” – no morning sickness, nothing. But with my three tinies that we have earthside, I was sick as a dog and grateful for it. Perhaps the only women who rejoice over morning sickness are those of us who have experienced the pain of miscarriage and early/mid pregnancy loss. Every bout of sickness, every day of exhaustion, every ache, it all testifies that someone is still there, still growing. It’s when your body goes quietly “back to normal” that you start to fear.

But with this pregnancy, I have not been sick. I have not been overly tired, nothing.

I go through my days and there isn’t a single indicator that I’m pregnant. And that has terrified me.

***

Finally I went to have the initial checks. And it only seemed to confirm my worst fears: there was no heartbeat.

I drove home from my doctor, numb. I pulled over on the side of the road to call people. I called Brian, I called my mum, I called my sister, I called my dad. And I called a couple of friend who I know are prayer warriors.

I wasn’t ready go give up. Not yet. I was still hopeful. For that day, anyway.

***

We went to our regular midwife a few days later. This was the one that was supposed to find out the truth once and for all.

Again, no heartbeat.

And I think that was the point when I gave up. Brian still continued to hope and pray, he agreed with our midwife that there could be any number of reasons why the heartbeat wasn’t showing up. I wasn’t there anymore.

Hope was too hard for me. 

My family and my friends decided that since I could not hope that they would hope for me, they would have faith for me.

We were scheduled for a final ultrasound check. I began to make my plans for how to handle this. As in times of great sorrow in my life, I went very deeply within myself. I stopped talking and completely withdrew. My family all knows this about me and they gave me the space I needed, my soul felt like it was in survival, shut down to just the basic functions.

How could we be here again? I felt like I could not bear this loss. We had done this so many times already – this was part of the reason why we decided to stop with our three. I felt like I should be grateful for the little ones we have in our home and that it was too much to expect more. And sure enough, here we were again. I began to make plans, figure out schedules for medical procedures.

My sister had bought the new baby a little white and grey sleeper in soft cotton the day after she heard our news. But on that day, I stood in my bedroom, looking at that hopeful little sleeper hanging in the closet, and I folded it up and put it away mechanically.

On the morning of the final ultrasound check, I went to the coffee shop and I wrote an entire blog post telling the world about how we had lost another baby and how the sorrow was swallowing me whole this time. I scheduled it to post the next morning. Then I drove to the doctor’s office to meet my husband.

***

I lay on the table, numb. And we explained why we were there and so thankfully no one was happy or excited, wounding us further with their blind hope.

Our tech quietly went about her business and the minutes passed, so slowly. Then in a tone of complete shock she said, “173 beats a minute.”

“What?” my entire body woke up. What? What? What? What?

“173 beats a minute!” she crowed. “There’s one little baby here and … it’s alive!”

Brian started to cry and I started to laugh, this is what we do when babies come to us. He broke all the rules and texted from the room: “173 beats a minute! We are having a baby!” over and over and over again. Little arms and legs were moving, a heart was beating, life!

I called my friends and they almost couldn’t believe it. Sometimes we get so used to our prayers feeling unanswered that we don’t know what to do with ourselves when the miracle happens. This baby has a lot of people longing for his or her life now.

Later that night, I went to my blog dashboard and sat looking at that post I had written just a few hours ago. My great act of faith was to not only unschedule it, to not only put it back into Drafts, but to entirely and irrevocably delete it.

***

I still don’t know if that was a miracle or not. It feels like one. It’s entirely possible that the doctor and the midwife simply didn’t get the heartbeat for whatever reason. But all I know is that there was no heartbeat and then there was – 173 beats a minute of a little heart still hanging in there.

There was nothing there and now there is precious life.

***

“This one might be your desire-of-the-heart baby,” Brian told me one day this summer.

He said that because, even though I made my peace with The Ache, even though I was in complete agreement that we were done with our three, even though I was ready for this new season of life without any babies in my arms, there was still that part of me that longed for one more. Perhaps it was the desire of my heart broke through all the expectations and plans somehow.

I don’t know why Tiny #4 came to being – even that part feels like a miracle, to be honest. But I know that Tiny #4 was so longed for, deep in my heart far from articulation.

***

I’d be lying if I said that was the end of my fear, that since then I have walked in total assurance. It has still felt like a roller coaster all summer. I go through days when I feel sure we’re destined for sorrow still.  Even now, I don’t “feel” pregnant which makes it hard to keep the fear at bay.

It is still my daily battle: faith over fear, hope over despair, over and over and over again.

(I certainly look pregnant though – hello, fourth baby, my abdomen muscles have given up any pretence.)

I had another appointment just last week with our midwife and again, trouble finding the heartbeat. Finally on the third check – 160 beats a minute, so faint but unmistakably there. Still there.

Now we have crossed 14 weeks and I have decided to be hopeful anyway. Every day that passes feels like a victory somehow.

I bought a baby name book this week.

 

 

photos by michelle cervo

"Am I a good man?" a response to Doctor Who: Into the Dalek
What I'm Into :: Summer 2014 AKA The Summer of Novels
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  • <3 so happy for y'all!

  • Elisabeth Grunert

    14 weeks is pretty solid territory, I’d say. I’m so very happy about this child!

  • Sarah Rose

    What a beautiful story. Congratulations! Your next little tiny is coming into a beautiful family with a solid foundation – another little Jesus-Feminist-in-the-making! This is so touching, thank you for sharing it!

  • I loved reading this post. So full of hope. Such reason for us all to hang on. In faith. Praying for your little one to continue to grow & develop in health. May God’s purposes be fulfilled in & through this new life! Blessings!

  • Tears. And hope. Both together.

  • Congratulations!

  • Katherine

    Smiling here.

  • Oh… I know this journey… I too was a momma who learned to be thankful for the months I hung my head over the commode… Rejoicing for 173 beats per minute!!!!!

  • Laura

    So beautiful. Praying for continued health for that little miracle baby!

  • Julianna Morlet

    After two miscarriages, I decided that if and when I got pregnant again, I wasn’t going to attach. My soul couldn’t handle another one. I got pregnant with my little Mo and the best, most honest advice I ever received was from an older lady in my church. She said, “Don’t let the pain of you past, rip away from this baby what she deserves. She deserves her mother’s love from day one and whatever it takes to get you there, do it. Don’t give up on her.”

    I know I’m not telling you anything new, but every word held true. You are a beautiful writer, a beautiful mother and a beautiful warrior daughter of our God.

    • That’s a good and needed word for me today, Julianna – thank you, truly.

    • Yetunde

      I needed to hear this too Julianna; thank you

      • Julianna Morlet

        🙂 Praying for you Yetunde!

  • Tears of joy again. So happy!

  • HAPPY TEARS! They’re so humany-wumany.

  • Rose

    Gaah! Tears! I’ve been reading this blog a long time and even though I’m not in a place in my life where I even remotely think of kids I have to tell you HOW. SINCERELY. HAPPY I am for you! Praying for and thinking of you and your family, Sarah!

  • She Dares

    This brought tears to my eyes. I am very early in my 3rd pregnancy- no babies yet.. the last one was the hardest as it was much later than the first when I miscarried… I am believing that this will be our first tiny. Your words have stoked the hope in my heart!

  • Weeping! I am so excited for you. Will continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy!

  • Anna

    I’ve lost so many babies. One or two a year for almost 8 years. We made our peace, pursued adoption and were so happy with our family of three. Then one year after we brought our boy home, another pregnancy. Except this time it kept hanging on. I finally took a test after I’d dry heaved at the smell of my morning coffee and still wasn’t bleeding and – surprise!! – still pregnant. This one didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Still I feared loss. Even after the sonogram showed a healthy baby I lived in fear. One day at Whole Foods, before I was really showing much (first pregnancy and all!), a woman approached me and asked if I was pregnant. I said yes and she put her hand on me and said, “Jesus is going to bless this baby. It will be born healthy, beautiful, and strong.” Nothing like getting a prophecy in the checkout line!! I clung to that prophecy through the rest of a difficult pregnancy. And you know what? That baby boy was born so healthy, so beautiful, and so strong. Grasp hard to hope and don’t let go. God loves to shower us with blessings.

    • Chills reading this, Anna – how great is our God!

    • Kari

      Sounds like we share similar experiences. I have had 7 miscarriages and only 1 successful pregnancy. I though have a real problem with people saying things like “Jesus will bless this baby” or “God has given you a miracle” because what does that mean? That all my other babies were not blessed by God and given the change to live?

      • Carla McIntosh

        At conception they have life and if they have life, whether they lose it in the womb or later, they truly are blessed by God. For the ones who do not make it into this world are angels in heaven with a God who loves them more then we ever could! All are blessed but sometimes he blesses the parent and loans us one of his angels for a time! <3

  • Beth Anne

    Glory be!

  • Oh, this baby. So loved. It all still makes me cry.

  • Sara Rooney

    Oh Sarah… Your story is almost exactly like mine. Or rather mine is like yours. I’m 17 weeks and this pregnancy started exactly like your own… All the way down to the midwife finding the little embryo and its heartbeat in utter surprise. Thank you for your post today and for sharing how you are choosing faith and hope over fear. I will join you in that and will pray for us and our tinies and choosing to walk joyfully with God through this journey.

    • So glad we get to walk this journey alongside each other now. Praying for you, too, Sara!

  • LindaB

    Thank you for sharing your dreams and fears. I will begin praying for this little one. God knows this baby by name, no matter what.

  • Sarah Schwartz

    Oh, Sarah. Hallelujuah. This is such beautiful, beautiful, holy news.

  • Ronna Fisher

    I have three sisters, and I love it! Four kids is definitely hard, but so much more full! They are my best friends. Of course it wasn’t always that way–we definitely had our sister anger and jealousies. Lots of fighting when we all four lived in the same house, especially in the mornings, but so many wonderful times. I’m excited for you and your family!

  • Wow, what a beautiful story… I’m sitting here crying and joining you in hope for this little miracle baby. Congratulations and thank you for sharing <3

  • Tamryn

    I began tearing up when you described the loss of hope, and I could feel the sorrow. Then when you shared about the heartbeat (even though I was sure the baby was ok based on your previous post) I burst into happy tears. I may not know you at all, but I am so happy for that gift of a heartbeat and the laughter and tears that come in it.

    • So thankful for this, Tamryn- thank you for your joy with us! Makes this time so much richer knowing so many are with us.

  • Kara Hamilton

    Thank you for sharing this! After several 2nd trimester losses I totally understand the difficulty of having hope. My only regret with the one pregnancy we did manage to hold on to (and the last we ever will) is that I was so scared to hope I did not enjoy it or treasure it as I should. I removed myself out of fear. I am so grateful NOW for my little miracle babycakes, but bonding was difficult at first bc of that removal. Prayers heading your way, for so many things, but mainly that you are able to remember what I forgot: we have a God who is in control and a Jesus that means hope is never a risk.

    • A good word for me today, thank you friend!

    • jenny simmons

      Hi Kara- I just wanted to say thank-you for this comment. Hope feels really dangerous right now. My little sister’s water broke last week. She is 18 weeks pregnant with identical twins, Ellen and Maggie. They are suffering from TTTS and all the specialists have given the girls another week or two before they pass away. I’ve felt so lost. Do I hope? How do I believe in a miracle and protect myself? I’ve been at a loss for words and then I end up on Sarah’s beautiful post and catch a glimpse of your words “hope is never a risk” and Jesus whispers tenderly that the only risk is not to hope… because hope is never a risk when it is placed in his careful arms. thank you both, Sarah and Kara, for the words my heart ached for tonight.

  • Brittany Felix

    I loved this ! I cried and laughed when news of the heatbeat was revealed. So excited for you guys and praying for little #4.♡

  • Amanda M.

    I cried reading this post for so many reasons. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  • Tears for you. So beautiful.

  • Melissa Vanden Bout

    Every line of this resonates. That was indeed a “great act of faith”–and I’m so glad that when it was too much to hold on to hope you let go and let other people, people who love you, catch it and hold onto it for you.

    Thinking of my own darlings, and holding you and your beautiful precious growing tiny in my prayers.

  • This post meant so much to me. Thank you for sharing, Sarah. When I was 14 weeks (or should have been — he passed a bit before I found out) I miscarried my little Ryan. Moving on from there has been the strangest combination of deep-soul longing and absolute utter terror: I want a baby, but I’m afraid of all the possible pain. “Take the risk out of love and love won’t exist.” I get it now. Words like these from women who know all the complicated emotions and realities help to cover me in courage. Thank you for sharing, and I’m so glad that before He made the world God wanted your Tiny Number Four to be a part of it. Much love to you and yours <3

    • Thank you, Kristen – and praying for you this very morning now. xo

  • aww! so happy for you all *happy tears*

  • Mizmelly

    Bless you. Hugs hugs hugs from the Emerald Isle. x

  • Rachelle Gardner

    What a story, Sarah. I’m all teary eyed. Bless you, and your precious “six family.”

    • Thanks, Rachelle – “six family!” *faint* 😉

  • Wonderful, moving story Sarah, thanks for sharing. Will be praying for you over the next few months, and for this pregnancy, and your family. Many blessings.

  • Crying almost as much as I did that day. Marveling and rejoicing with you, my friend.

  • Congrats!! Our fourth was after my husband decided we were finished–there were good reasons, but I felt like we were missing someone. I was settling into the idea of being finished when God granted us this baby. I finally feel like we are complete. I am so thankful that He knew better.

  • Oh! Congratulations, Family Bessey! And Sarah–good health and patience and strength for this time of waiting and hoping and growing and bearing fruit. Father, please surround these dear ones with your love. Please anchor them in your faithfulness. And please keep them open, always, to your miracles.
    So happy for yu.

  • mkj

    Oh fabulous. Real tears. My DIL has a very similar story – similar due date. Her story is here: http://www.carajoyner.com/cara-joyner/and-then-there-were-five if you care to read another tear jerker. I see among the posts there are more than a few miracle babies arriving this winter ;-). God is so good.

  • Sara

    I am so happy for you! (She types with tears down her cheeks) May The Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace and another healthy tiny!!

  • Bless! I know that fear as much as I know the hysterical laughter. And yes, faith over fear, hope over despair. Praying for you as each day turns into another victory Sarah. Lots of love.

  • Shari Green

    Thrilled for you, and for your miracle! (I have a not-so-tiny-anymore Tiny #4 whose arrival meant a complete re-orienting of life, goals, plans…and yet, I ended up even more “nonsensically happy with my circus” than before!) Grace and peace to you…and hope. Always hope. 🙂

  • Clara Campedelli

    Congratulations! I have also experience miscarriage and the anxiety during the pregnancy thereafter. I have 3 healthy children and long for number 4 although my husband differs.
    All the very best in this pregnancy. Enjoy every kick, hiccup and heartburn!

  • What a story. My heart is racing. Congrats, congrats to you and your family.

  • Lisa

    7 weeks pregnant and cried all through your story!! I’ve had 2 miscarriages but thankfully have also been abundantly blessed with 2 beautiful daughters. I am very hopeful to add #3 to the family next year as the Lord wills. Many blessings!

  • Ahhh love this story! Congrats!

  • Eshet chayil! Woman/mother of valour!

  • Beautiful and Lovely, so happy to bear witness to this story. May that sleeper be miraculously full of wiggly arms and legs as the snow flies in Canadia.

  • Oh, Sarah. Tears here. Thank you for sharing, and congratulations. Praying and hoping with you!

  • Jennifer Smithson

    Oh! Oh!!! This is your beautiful story! And it reminds me so much of my own with my fourth, (one of my tinies, as I also call my littles). He’s my last and the pregnancy started as a bit of a joyous surprise, followed by more than one “no heartbeat” doctor’s visits, and then one where we heard that breathtaking sound of a little galloping heartbeat. And then a phone call where they said it wasn’t fast enough and that we ought to prepare for impending miscarriage. I gave up too. And just waited. But God and this tiny had other ideas, because on that next visit, his little heart beat just as it should. And some months later, he entered he world, more full of life than I could have even imagined. So we named him Zoen Nathanael, which means, “God has given Life”. And life He gave indeed. Z is now three.

    Praying much for your miracle baby and for all of you. Blessings!

    • What a beautiful name for a beautiful boy! So good to read this, so hopeful. Thank you, Jennifer!

  • Melanie Dale

    “Sometimes we get so used to our prayers feeling unanswered that we don’t know what to do with ourselves when the miracle happens.” Oh yes. I choke up just reading this line. Sarah, I’m so happy for you!

  • Marlena Proper-Graves

    Bless you Sarah and the family. I near the end of a third and surprise pregnancy. Trusting God along with you (since I am considered old now, 36).

    • Who knew 36 was too old to have a baby?! Are we not allowed to emulate Hollywood at all? 😉

  • Tina Kachmar

    lending you some of my hope. Praying for you, Bessey’s.

  • Anne

    This IS your desire of the heart baby, meant to be a part of your family. Praying every blessing on you, especially for peace as you wait in expectation to meet this little person! much love, xoxo

  • Beth

    I’m surprised your doctor/midwife made such a big deal about not hearing the heartbeat so early on. What unnecessary heartache! It’s incredibly difficult to pick up on the sonogram so early. I couldn’t hear my babies until at least 12 weeks. Nevertheless, it is truly a miracle! Congratulations! I’ve stumbled upon your blog after reading your “Ache” article, (which I’m still bawling about because I think I’m done having babies, but not ready to admit it yet) I will definitely be following you now in anticipation of your happy arrival! Blessings!

    • I think it’s because of my past history that we need to do the early checks for us. But yes, thank you!

  • Jo

    You can do it! My fourth is almost 4 but I can still remember the feelings of excitement, mixed with fear. So worth it now though. My children love growing up in a big family. And most days, I love it too. Especially when 3 head back to school tomorrow!

  • Hurray!! I am so, so happy for you!!!!

  • Vannie

    Just found out that I’m pregnant (for the third time though the first two were miscarriages). I truly believe that God will bless me in 9 months with a baby to hold and love and raise this time. I understand your pain and the pain of all the other mammas. And I believe that I will now understand the joy of being a mamma. To other women in similar situations, I feel for you and I’m praying for you. Jesus gives peace and strength. Thank you Sarah for (re)instilling this hope in all of us with your wonderful testimony. Miscarriage is such an unspoken topic. We women are veterans at suffering quietly. But women like you Sarah are anointed by God to show us how to hope and believe in miracles. Sisters, let’s all pray for each other.

    • Vannie

      Oh and congrats! 🙂

    • Praying for you, Vannie!

  • Congratulations!

  • Josie

    Oh my friend, my heart is so full for you! I have to admit i skipped to the end of the blog when I got to the hard bit – I just had to know that precious baby was ok.

    I have the ache. We have two and are done, really truly done. For many reasons, number three is not going to happen. But it still hurts.

    Stay strong, little baby. We are waiting for you.

    (It’s ok Sarah, you don’t know me from a bar of soap. But I feel like I know you. I hope that sounds less creepy to you than it does to me)

    • Not creepy at all! I feel like I know all of you somehow, too, so we’ll just all be creepy together then. 🙂

  • alli

    You look so happy! This is lovely news. Very happy for you.

  • Reading this one through the tears.
    I have four, the last two are twins, and we are so done, all the baby stuff is making its way out of my house and I am glad. But there is a tiny part of me that still wonders, that misses knowing I will never have a little one cocooned inside my belly or totally dependent on me for food.
    I also have two babies in heaven and so many friends with them as well. Such a fine line to walk of hope and expectation knowing it could hurt, again.

  • Monica

    Praise God!

  • congrats sarah! you are so good at letting us into your heart…hoping all safety from fears and darkness. here’s to receiving and accepting this wild, abundant invitation to beauty instead!

  • I cried right along with you at the good news. 🙂

  • Amber

    Cogratulations, Sarah. God’s blessings as the pregnancy progresses! You are a great writer and I love that you can give us your joy so purely. 🙂 Praying for you! (PS- I kinda decided it was my time to be done with kiddos when I read your Ache piece- now my thoughts are wondering what IS the Lord wanting for our family……. ).

  • Sara Wright

    I love thi part, ” Perhaps the only women who rejoice over morning sickness are those of us who have experienced the pain of miscarriage and early/mid pregnancy loss. Every bout of sickness, every day of exhaustion, every ache, it all testifies that someone is still there, still growing. It’s when your body goes quietly “back to normal” that you start to fear.” I have been through this, and you put it so beautifully. I also know The Ache. We have two beautiful children, but I have secondary infertility. We have been ttc for three years, and one miscarriage in June. I get so excited when certain parts HURT, our I feel awful and nothing sounds our smells at all good. I hope and PRAY for one more pregnancy and months of breastfeeding.

  • Beth

    Oh, God, the terror. I sooooo understand. So understand the fear, the hope, the sheer unadulterated terror… and the hysterical laughter at an unexpected positive, too! Our ultrasound was just the opposite result, so I so understand the soul numbing loss, too. We had to stop at two because #3 (now three, my snuggle-bug!) nearly killed me, but oh, I know The Ache, too. Oh, the tears today reading this. (((hugs))) and massive prayers that there be angels all about your tinies, all of them!.

  • Sobbing as I am reading this because we had something VERY similar happen to us this summer, 3 months after a miscarriage. I literally told my friends the same thing: you need to hope for me.

    The doctor said I was probably having another miscarriage but we did one more ultrasound, and lo and behold we saw our baby fluttering on the screen. We are due in January and I am 19 weeks.

    To keep me from hyperventilating, the tech took my hand and said something I’ll never forget : “the moment you find out you’re pregnant your worst fear becomes that you’ll outlive your child. It’s a fear that never goes away. I can’t promise what the future holds, but today, you’ve got a tiny baby with a heartbeat and we need to celebrate each day because that’s all we can do.” Much much easier said than done, though.

    Praying for your pregnancy and so happy to hear your news!

  • Aldo Sánchez Santa

    http://alivechrist.spreadshirt.com/p2 …… store for clothes with hope messages and love!!

  • Buckets of tears. Sending big squeeze-y type hugs to you through the internet. Your story hits that tuning fork of the Ache inside me as well. Done at two, longing for the third baby that is supposed to be. I am so very, very happy for you all. I can’t wait to see this little Tiny’s face.

  • Your honest writing is so beautiful, Sarah. Holding on to hope for you all, too.

  • God is so good, no matter what happens in our lives. Crying tears of joy for you, tears of happiness for the two I have, and praying for another one for us 🙂

  • addielac

    Holy cow, sobbing over here. I had a miscarriage in June and we are just at the point of trying again, and my dear friends who’ve shared the experience have told me that the innocence will be gone– the idea that nothing can go wrong will be replaced with worry and fear. I love that you’re honest enough to admit that sometimes hope is too hard. I’ll be searching for it again soon, God willing, and rereading this to remind me to temper my fear with strong prayer partners who can lift me up when I can’t grasp a glimpse of the joy that may be waiting. Thank you <3

  • beckyl

    Happy and praying that the heartbeats continue. Marching in tune with God. Hugs.

  • Such a strong and honest post. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. So glad there’s some peace and some comfort, if not within yourself then from all those loving people surrounding you and your family. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you well, very well throughout this pregnancy. I also wish you’ll find your peace within as well. 🙂

  • Hazel Moon

    Congratulations and may you enjoy at least one day of morning sickness ♥

  • Kiernan Schroeder

    Congratulations! And know that you have an even larger group of people praying for you now. We’ll storm heaven!

  • Tiffany Taylor Smith

    Wow! This brought tears to my eyes, and hope as well. I have a similar story in that I yearn and ache for another child, but am trying to come to terms that it may not happen for us again. I have not suffered miscarriages as yourself, but my husband and I have been trying to conceive our third for almost two years now. It has been a hard and long battle within myself. I pray and try to keep the faith, but as humans that can be so hard many days. I am praying for a little miracle just as you have received. Good luck and God Bless!!

  • Amanda

    Praise the Lord!! What a beautiful, amazing testimony this is! I’m so excited for you and your family. I’m pregnant with our 3rd, a surprise from God, and have also struggled with fear of a miscarriage with this one. It almost seems too good to be true! Thank you for your words of hope. Praying for you and your sweet babe! (Also, it makes me mad that they don’t always do ultrasounds earlier when they can’t find the heartbeat — they couldn’t find the heartbeat for this baby or my last one, but did ultrasounds the same day!)

  • Just came from my own daughter’s ultrasound where the HB was 160. My first time as a mother hearing the heartbeat of a grandchild inside the body of the last baby I birthed. And this after 5 years of infertility for her, and you, you were there, sitting in the back of that cafeteria moments before speaking, telling me of your own struggles, and of the miracles that are your children, imparting hope. Weeping tears of joy for you and for my girl.

  • Congratulations! What wonderful news. Tinies are awful at keeping secrets (at least, mine are), but I think Facebook is WORSE, so I think you scored there. 😀

  • This baby is such a reason to hope.
    Thank you for sharing from this intimate place, dear one.

  • Writing this blog, too, was an act of faith. Thank you for sharing your faith and joy and love and the incredibly surprising ways God makes things new.

  • So happy for you, Sarah. I have been thinking of that aspect, of what you’ve been through in the past, and wanted to say something about remembering, noticing. But didn’t know if even mentioning it would bring up the hurts. I have had that pain of the days of unknowing. The trip for the ultrasound that isn’t happy. And that makes me so glad for your miracle. Big hugs. Cheers for Tiny #4!

  • brenda shaw

    Oh boy , had trouble getting through this post .. It’s hard to see when crying . I am so happy for you and yours !

  • Alyssa

    I’m not usually much of a commenter, but this has the tears pouring down my face. My second child was my fifth pregnancy… wholly unexpected, announcing her impending arrival while I was still grieving the faith-shaking loss of the fourth. She wasn’t ever formally classified as a high-risk pregnancy, but she was tiny enough to make the doctors nervous, so I went to a million extra non-stress tests and ultrasounds and was grateful for every single one because it was another chance to hear that beautiful little heartbeat. I think she was just determined to be… I see that determination every day in her feisty, independent preschooler self. I can’t wait to see how she uses that gift, I think maybe she will move some mountains for the Kingdom some day. I’ll be praying that your Tiniest will have that same insistence on being born.

  • Oh, Sarah! I know this story, and the daily battle; my second and third pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and early in my fourth we were told I was having yet another one. I went alone to the confirmation ultrasound the next day (why bother bringing my husband and son along for such a sad occasion?), and was utterly shocked when I was told my baby’s heart was still beating. (I wrote about it here: http://theelbowsofbelle.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/diary-from-last-few-months-in-prose.html) Hazel Evelyn was born 35ish weeks later, and turned 1 last month. I still look at her in wonder and delight in her being here in a way I never did with my first child. 😀

    Praying for you now, and sending hope and peace and patience your way!

  • Raven LeRuez

    Our own baby with no heartbeat is now 8. I spent countless afternoons counting movements. While I cannot know your fear, I can only apply my own experience to yours. I have been praying for you and this child since the moment you announced the news on instagram, and will continue praying…

  • Lawrita Bennett Sleepe

    My heart leaps for you! So excited for the miracle you’ve experienced! It reminds me as if it’s a prophetic illustration for so many…..those dreams and plans people have hidden in their hearts and they’ve not “heard the heartbeat” or felt the life move inside. Their dreams have died, or so they have thought. God is birthing new dreams and desires. He is causing life to come to those who felt barren. Congratulations on this new life!

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  • Amy Hunt

    Sarah . . . Sarah . . . Oh, Sarah . . . the fear . . . the control we long for to protect our heart . . . the wanting to please our Father and trust . . . but the fear . . . the uncertainty . . . the fear of hurting all over again and the exhaustion from our story’s precious battle . . . I can’t tell you how much I’m with you. I’ve held onto this post for a few days to read when I had a moment and the raw, realness of you that I found did so much . . . it showed me life . . . it connected me to your heart and that reminded me that I’m not alone . . . and this, dear friend, is eloquent and very real worship. This is the struggle to accept life, as it is . . . in the midst of fear.

  • from Delilah to Ruth

    I enjoy your writing alot, very cute and entertaining. I started my own blog about the challenges of transformations of being a Christian women in a modern world. If you have a chance to check it out I would be grateful! http://www.fromdelilahtoruth.com

  • Lindsay Satmary

    What a beautiful story of hope and miracles!

  • Lynn

    Wishing you the very, very best. I saw your post from another blogger that I read. I have 4 littles as well, and one is an Evelyn and another is Joe. Feeling like a kindred spirit!!

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  • I have tears reading this, Sarah. Praise God who can DO ANYTHING. The Holy Spirit has been showing off (if that’s possible??) lately and He’s blowing my socks off daily. I love how He knows what we each need right when we need it, and provides it. Every. Single. Time.
    Prayers for peace and joy during the rest of your pregnancy. Hallelujah.

  • Jincy

    I do not know you, and this post just showed up on my FB feed. I’m so glad I clicked on it. God is good. He is pretty amazing with miracles, both BIG, like your 173 beats per minute and the SMALL ones like our every day lives! Keep the faith. Know that this stranger will be praying for you also! May you have a healthy pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby! God Bless.

  • Chellie

    Very happy for you. As someone who recently lost a baby I want to point out “morning sickness” actually isn’t a sign everything is OK. I was sick, so sick until the day of my 12 wk appt. when we found out our baby was dead. I asked my dr how I could still be so sick and he said it just means the placenta is still working. I hope the very best for your precious baby.

  • Kathleen

    What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing 🙂 I am 17 weeks right now and my doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat either but the ultrasound could. It wasn’t until last week that the Doppler worked – they said likely something to do with position of the baby and placenta. I have shared your fears many times also – but it’s there and it’s happening mama!!

  • Laura

    Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I want to thank you for also talking about pregnancy loss. I lost a baby at 19 weeks and it is devastating.

  • Megan

    I don’t know you, but this story is absolutely beautiful. Praying for your precious miracle!

  • Delanie

    This was a story I needed to read today. I feel like God pointed me here. I am in week 8 of my first pregnancy and have all the anxiety you described. I have some low hormone levels so it’s a daily struggle to move from panic to faith. Thanks for sharing a story that reminded me we are still in the age of miracles! Praying for you!

  • Michelle

    This is the first blog post I have read of yours. Kristen shower ton shared and I read, and cried and laughed and fell in love with your writing. We are a family if six and I am sending prayers to your new family of six.

    Your new fan,
    Michelle

  • Michelle Radic

    I have tears in my eyes, what a beautiful story. So happy for your miracle baby.

  • Kari

    Congratulations, 14 weeks is a very safe place to be. Did you and your hubby every do chromosomal testing? See I have been pregnant 8 times and only have 1 biological child. Perhaps you are luckier then you realize, it could always be worse. I know that does not make it any easier though. I am VERY familiar with the experience of those first weeks of not knowing and sitting in a ultrasound room only to not hear a heartbeat or even see a fetal pole. I shared my very long and painful story on my blog at: http://africainourhearts.blogspot.com/2013/05/repeated-pregnancy-loss-my-story.html

  • Skerrib

    Just lovely!

  • Libby

    Will you say a wee prayer for me? 4 miscarriages with no baby to hold after 5 years with no real reasons. My heart bleeds from the pain and the unanswered prayers. Your story is inspiring. It gave me hope.

  • Cassie Brunnemann

    I just found this from Kristen Howertons FB page, when I clicked the link I was so shocked to see it who was in the picture! I went to Tree of Life when I was in highschool! 😀
    You guys have a BEAUTIFUL family! Congratulations on #4!

    Cassie

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  • Jenny Smith

    Hope might be a good name. 🙂 this story gave me chills. Blessings to you and your family!

  • Kathleen Wilson

    Beautiful story. Congratulations

  • pastordt

    Praying for you during this time of waiting, for strength and energy and for that new tiny to grow and flourish well. Lovely post. Lovely.

  • Ashley

    Wow. Reading your story reminds me so much of mine and the emotions I have felt going thru our losses. I have lost 7 babies and have 2 miracles. (All before 6 wks) The pain can be too much sometimes. The shutting down, giving up hope. But also for me, I didn’t have much support at all from anyone expect my mother. She was pretty much the only one who gave me a crying shoulder outside of my husband. Everyone else didn’t know what to say or ended saying the wrong things which added to the pain. It wasn’t until my sister in law decided to have a “prayby” shower, for myself and 2 others, to shower prayer and blessings over us to conceive and carry to full term. That meant more to me then I think she will ever realize. Thats all I wanted, was to talk about it, have someone listen, and genuinely care. We decided to take a permanent route 10 months ago after bringing our boy into the world of a tubal because we were both just done. Done with ever even thinking about getting pregnant again. My daughter was the 4th pregnancy and my son was the 8th. (Lost a set of twins) I felt like, if we ever want a 3rd, I don’t want to have to lose 3 before getting there, you know, not to mention all the medication I took while pregnant. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, with another boy, and named him Garrison. I have never even heard of this name before. It means protection. We shall see!

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  • Alisha

    Congratulations. What a blessing!!

  • Wow. Love this post. The transparency… all of it. And of course the happy ending! Praying for you from Tanzania! 🙂 Here’s to tiny #4!

  • April

    I had a very similar experience and now have a beautiful happy baby boy. I am thankful every day for miracle baby.

  • Jenn

    This is so closely my story that i cried my way through it. Faith over fear was pretty much my mantra throughout my pregnancy, too. Our great God is with you, Sarah, come what may!

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