I wrote an email to a girlfriend recently and made the offhand comment in response to her questions that I have felt lately like I’m “coming into myself again”. The “again” is because the first time was in my late teens or early twenties, just ten years ago. I went away to university and, for the first time, became very comfortable with myself. I had grown up as a bit of a people pleaser and therefore, had an abominable (still not conquered entirely) tendency to be passive aggressive instead of assertive. I didn’t know how to be myself and to be honest, didn’t even know who “myself” was. I had become committed to the Lord at about 15 or 16 but grappled with living that faith out in an authentic and truthful way. For instance, if I had a boyfriend (and I was one of those girls that always had a boyfriend), I listened to their music and did their stuff and hung out with their friends, even losing all of my friends when we’d break up because they were his friends, not mine. I don’t know that I really had my own group of true friends until university. But in those years in university, I found some incredible girlfriends and, what’s more, I came to know God in a real and true way. I had a true God-encounter that was sustained and ongoing; I grew immensely and settled my heart quite a bit. It was almost like my own personal Pentecost, my time of renewal and rebirth and even sending out. It was also during this season that Brian and I fell in love.
I have felt over the past couple of years, even as far back as 2003, that same stirring again. I’ve learned so much and I don’t know that I can really do it justice but God has revealed a few things to me or resolved them in my heart. It’s almost felt like another rebirth, ten years later.
For instance, I’ve learned that I need to be authentic and real. I have felt (and articulated before) this sense that sometimes I don’t belong in church. Like sometimes, people there just don’t “get me” except for a few other misfits. It was like there was this type of girl, type of woman, type of wife and now type of mother that you were supposed to be and I rather felt like a round peg in a square hole. And this used to really bug me. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be the nice Christian girl. I kind of wanted to be someone who posted their Facebook status as “Sarah just loves Jesus more and more”. I kind of wanted to be a bit more simple, a bit more black and white if you will, because it would be so much easier and neater. I have rarely felt like my life is terribly neat and tidy, much like everyone else, I suspicion. So a lot of my time in church was spent trying to put on a mask or an act, say the right things, respond the right way. I inevitably flubbed up and then people were left blinking, like “What the heck?” as I straightened my mask again. I think I was genuine in my desire and it was pure-hearted but it was misguided. I would get tired because I was constantly adjusting who I was to my audience. I would be absolutely in wonder at someone like Brian who was the same person, no matter where he was or who he was with. I remember sometimes being almost embarrassed because he was too honest, too forthright, too self-deprecating. Why didn’t he feel the need to inflate and exaggerate his own greatness like I did?
But these past few years, I’ve decided to strive for authenticity. Sometimes that’s been very messy and it’s backfired. Sometimes I’ve blown right past authentic into arrogant know-it-all. And other times, it’s made people uncomfortable because they liked the old Sarah or they just aren’t used to someone being honest about their journey, their questions, their life. I guess I just got rather tired of behaving properly and decided to embrace the journey God has me on. I remember Brian one time saying “God doesn’t want you to behave right; he wants you to be the right person” meaning someone that doesn’t have to act loving – they truly love people. Someone that doesn’t have to act nice because they are truly kind to others. Someone that doesn’t have to fake believing God because they truly are resting in trust. It’s a transformation of the person you are inside. If you’re there, great. If not, don’t fool yourself (something I am quite good at). I have such a long way to go but I’ve become more at peace with my difficulties, my places of messiness, my spots of inconsistencies, my shortcomings and even my differences. I’ve become more aware of the beauty of the unique and less attracted to the opaque performance. I’ve become more open with myself and God about those things, seeking him above all else. Seeking his name above my own.
So sometimes that’s rather messy. But other times, it’s positively glorious.
I don’t do it really well to be honest. I spent a lot of years in performance-based jobs and churches and even a few relationships/friendships where I was rewarded for what I did or how I acted as opposed to who I really was. I always felt like things were rather …conditional. I could lose everything in a heartbeat if they really knew what I was like, I thought, if they knew how far I had to go. (Sidenote: it has occured to me that it is ironic that someone who was raised in church and knows the drill/the language/the game still feels alienated from most modern churches. After all, if I feel that way how do people that don’t go to church or never have or never will feel? If I feel misunderstood and like I don’t fit, how much more for them? That’ll make you think about how we do/are Church at 3 in the morning…) Anyway, now I try to surround myself with people that are authentic already like my family or true friends and learn from them. But sometimes I slip back into the “shiny happy Jesus people” default mode. Usually when I’m at church and I find myself much more comfortable in the mask that in my vulnerable truth.
Don’t get me wrong – a lot of times, I am a true shiny, happy Jesus person. But I need to do it with my gifts, my priorities, my personality, my journey instead of copying someone else’s.
I’m okay with being me. I’m okay with complexity. I’m okay with different. I’m okay with a journey being as valuable as the destination. I’ve realised that God is usually more about the how of our lives than the what or the where. I’ve learned that I love difficult questions and philosophy and theology, literature and poetry, art and music. I’m okay with the fact that I like politics and religion, debate and discussion. I’m okay with the fact that a lot of church ladies – and their husbands – don’t get me or my marriage. I’m okay with being a bit more open to others. I’m okay with living missionally instead of in the Christian-homeschool ghetto. I don’t live in a lot of fear anymore. I’ve learned that God is more open and welcoming than I previously thought. I’ve learned that people really different from me (like those church ladies) are endless sources of fun and learning.
I’m trying to be okay with being misunderstood but that’s still a work in progress, I’m afraid. People-pleasing is a deep root to pull out.
There are a lot of other things God has ushered into my life over the past 3-5 years that I see coming to fruition these days. Everything from how I view church, community, emerging theology, postmodernism, missional living, true Christianity, education, politics, family, self – you name it. This is just one that has been in my mind a lot lately.
And I’m pretty sure that these shifts that seem subtle at the time add up to big changes. And that it goes on and keeps happening over and over again in your life as you grow and change and age. What a relief that we don’t have to die the same people we are today!
