In which I am living moment to moment

When the year started, I chose a word. I meant that word to be something that I held close to me, all year long, a heart-string around my finger to remind me.

And that word was moments. I thought I needed a reminder that these are the moments that I will have to remember someday. And that I needed to remain present, fully present, in each moment of my life. So I wrapped this word around me and embarked.

I couldn’t have known how providential that choice was to become.

Because, in this season of my life, like most mothers, I am living moment to moment.

There are moments when I feel like all that I will do for the rest of my life is look after children. The monotony of it feels endless sometimes. The selflessness that it demands of me is refining. The give and give and give some more can sometimes leave me wondering “When will it be my turn?” Did I go to university to spend the rest of my life changing diapers, soothing, doling out Cheerios and having pureed carrots spat in my face?

I have moments when I’m tired, frustrated, selfish, guilty and bored.

And then there are moments when I feel reborn. There are moments when I feel like I’m on a speeding train and this precious time of my life is going way too fast for my liking. Most of my moments feel like they glowing from within, a light so fierce that all of me that is gross and selfish is being melted away. I am full of joy, happiness that the world would never understand. I think that this is a gift, a precious gift, and I am trying to wring just a few more moments out of the day.

Moments when I breathe deeply. I hold my son closer to my breast. My daughter runs her fingers through my hair. She wants one more story and then another and then another. We sit in the grass and watch the clouds. Joseph’s eyes light up in the morning and he crows out “Mumma! Mumma!” and then Anne fingers my earrings at bedtime and whispers “I weally, weally love you.” Another day already over. The whispered prayers at bedtime. The rocking chair times in the night while the rest of the city sleeps. The tiny rituals that just yesterday felt monotonous and today, bring comfort. The warmth of these moments have warmed the coldest parts of my heart, turning my heart of stone to a heart of flesh again. Moments when I feel like I can hardly breathe around the swell of gratitude.

I have moments when I’m truly alive, full of love, grateful, bright and beautiful.

This awareness has given me the gift of being fully present in my own life, instead of just a spectator. I think it’s not so much that I am more present as much as it is that I have invited and welcomed His Presence into every aspect of my life.

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  • jill rosalie

    *sniff sniff* you made me all teary, in a good way! what beautiful thoughts!