Sometimes I miss being right. It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it?

I miss being a know-it-all and having a nice, tidy answer for everything. I even miss being content with what I was told without question, believing that the “man of God” was right. I miss how easy it was to keep my head down and my mouth shut (but then I missed my own voice).

I miss the black-and-white thinking and sometimes I think that maybe it would be nice to think that I’m right all the time and to believe what I am told and just go through my life, paying my taxes, paying off my mortgage and saving for retirement, believing that that is enough for me and my easy Christ.

I don’t know much anymore and I feel like I’m perpetually in the posture of the student, learning, shaking my head in wonder, eyes being opened, lights being turned on in corners I didn’t even know were dark.

But here is the truth: I’m happy because my hands aren’t clenched tight, no white half-moons from my fingernails on my long life line any more and my tongue is heavy with the bread of life and joy joy JOY.

He said, Take and eat, not take and understand.

There is much beauty here, too, in the consuming of the real life, in the living, in the laughing, in the weeping, in the questioning and the wrestling. The Kingdom is that great pearl that when you find it, you sell everything else off – even your right answers – just to hold it in your hand, roll it around your teeth for the joy of the clicking sound it makes, falling into place. Even in the tension and pain of knowing that I don’t know, of knowing that I am biased and I have much to learn, of knowing that I am prideful and deeply in need of redemption every day, I am strangely, bizarrely, more happy here.

So yes, I have lost my Right Answers. But I have gained the soul-grace of this Love, the cacophony of colours blinding me to every dull and fuzzy black-and-white-turned-to-grey-idea, dazzling me with the glory of God alone, above and beyond any opinion, any answer, any apologetic, any doctrine.

It’s peaceful and right to be here at the feet of Jesus, my head tipped back, ears finally hearing, eyes finally seeing, my hands wound tight on to the corner of a dusty robe, my heart wide, flesh again.

Ah, so this is prayer when you listen, I breathe.


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In which I explain how to change your mind in just 5 easy steps
In which [love looks like] sitting in the garage together
thank you for sharing...
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  • Paigeallentexas

    Thank you.  I’m sitting on my back porch alone this morning talking with God – mostly listening when I pulled up this blog & I’m between tears and laughter.  Me too!  I’m okay with not understanding because the joy of actually learning and hearing His voice is greater than being right (even if it is scary).  Thank you for writing so eloquently what my heart was feeling this morning.  I know I don’t comment often, but I love reading about your journey here

    • Thank you, Paige – would love to be sitting on that porch with you! Thankful to still be journeying with you, friend.

  • Yup Me Too. Some days it’s agonizingly tempting to wish for the way things were when it was black and white, some things were so much easier like church being a simple exercise on Sun. My life is so much fuller now…I feel thing, care about things I never did before. I loved Down We Go because Kathy routinely confessed how often she wants to “run for the hills”, while still creating this deep longing inside me to live out Kingdom Principles. Not easy, but way worth it!

    • I cannot wait to read that book. Like, seriously.  (And yes to how much more full life has become!)

  • Tara_pohlkottepress

    yes.yes.yes.  I have been feeling the uncomfortable beauty of it all…I find myself astonished, humbled and terrified often…and am loving it!

    • I like that phrase – “uncomfortable beauty.” Thank you!

  •  oh yes, dear friend. *nodding vigorously* this is it…exactly it.
    such lovely poetry prose here. thank you for another chance to say “me too.”
    much love to you.

    • Yes, I know you, too – isn’t it funny how two such different backgrounds can be walking a similar journey now? I love how God does this.

  • I like the implications of this, “”He said, Take and eat, not take and understand.”

    Unfortunately in the West we have shoved this life transforming bread through our logic and reason, our categories of this and that, right and wrong and maybe miss the transforming power in our attempts to understand. We have come up with things like which propositional statements we  need to accept, with a mere cognitive nod, to be in, saved. In the process we miss out on internalization, transformation, living in the tension.

    Maybe having the right categorical propositional statements isn’t all that important.

    • Ack – even the phrase “propositional statement” gives me the heebie-jeebies. Ha! 

  • Those black and white answers can become a  false foundation and walking by faith is an uncertainty we don’t like to face. That’s where trusting in Him comes in… we trust in him in order to walk by faith and if everything was black and white why would we need him? 😉 I have days when I cry and angrily ask “WHY?!?” and he gently whispers “you walk by faith, where you see no step and you move forward by trusting in me” and ya know what? It’s down right scary sometimes, but he does provide and guide us. and yes, prayer is listening more than talking. I love to go down to the creek, to sit, and just listen and he speaks to me through those wonderful sounds of nature. I rest and I cry again, but for relief..because he shows me how easy it is to really rest. 

    • It is scary but at the same time, nowhere else we’d rather be than out on the water, I know. It is a rest actually – which is the strangest and most beautiful thing.

  • Thanks so much for sharing!  It is beautifully written and really spoke to my heart.  I am in that place of not understanding myself, but I have learned so much here that I think this place is much more beneficial that any other I have ever been. 

    • Yes – and it’s nice to rest here for a while, too, isn’t it?

  • emeraldgems

    Sarah,

    Just found your blog from your comment over at Kathy Escobar’s. Now I have to add another blog to my already too long favorites list.

    This post is especially close to my own heart. I grew up in church, I spent years studying the bible and any book I could find so that I could have all the answers. In high school youth group my nickname was “Ed the head”. It took me a long time to realize that was not intended kindly. I spent the first twenty years of my Christian walk having all the answers and treating everyone around me as if they were somehow less for not having them as well.

    God had to take me through some pretty tough things(losing my career, jail, etc. )to show me that I really didn’t have the answers. He also showed me that as long as I thought I had the answers, he could not use me as an agent of reconciliation(2 Cor 5:18). I no longer have the answers, to pretty much anything, but I know that God is good, that He loves everyone, even those who have no answers, and that He wants me to just trust him one step at a time daily.

    Now, God has placed me in a ministry that touches the lives of the homeless, the drug addicted, the prostitutes, the gang members, the homosexuals, and a whole list of people that I would have never thought of showing His love in my past life. There are no answers here, only God’s unfailing love and mercy. There is no easy Christ here, only a life of sacrifice and surrender. Looking back, though, I do not think I could trade back to the easy life with all the answers, it was much to far from where Jesus lives.

    In Christ’s Service
    FedEx,
    President,
    Men of Praise Motorcycle Ministry

    PS, does your husband have a blog? He sounds like an interesting guy. The world needs more emergent, missional, former growth pastors turne- in house theologians who blog.

    • Thank you so much for sharing this, FedEx – nice to “meet” you. Kathy’s blog is one of my favourites, too.  And praise God for every sentence above – what a story of grace. 

      As far as Brian, nope, no blog. He is finishing graduate work and doesn’t quite do the medium of the Internet too much anyway (seriously – not even a Facebook account! Ha!). But I agree and I’d love for him to write here at some point, sharing his heart and journey a bit more since so many Americans read here and, I think, would relate.

  • “He said, ‘Take and eat’ not ‘take and understand’ ”

    What a beautiful, warm moment I just had with Him after reading that thought, Sarah.

    Thank you!

  • Erika

    Your heartbeat has a rhythm very close to mine. Only, you say it better. I know I supposed to say, “we say it different”, but really . . .  you say it better. 🙂

    Love,
    E

    • Yes, I’ve noticed that about us, too, Erika – we are on a simlar path, indeed. So thankful to come alongside each other.

  • I am new to your blog and am so glad Stephanie Sheaffer (metropolitanmama.net) recommended you to me.  You have an incredible ‘voice’ and a writing style that is so eloquent… leaves me longing to read more.  Fortunately, you seem to be prolific, so I will be enjoying going through your posts.  Keep up the good work.

  • Robert

    Sarah- this is like the wind and a waterfall  together the words you shared. Refreshing and healing yet challenging as well.  I align with your themes very much but am  surrounded  by  those who  maintain  black/white thinking still.   2 questions to get your response to. Why does John say at the end of his Gospel,*these things are written that ye may KNOW  Jesus is the Christ*???  Emphasis made  to accentuate the point.  Do all need to repent to be forgiven???  Did Jesus words on the Cross  forgive and provide grace to all??  Love your blog and have  enjoyed your comments at Rachels blog for awhile!!!!  Thanks for  listening 😀

  • I feel the same way. I knew so much…back then. Now? I’m learning and growing every day, changing my mind, trying to find my way to His heart.