In which I must confess

(Joseph and me – and yes, he is pulling my hair.)

I feel like sometimes I can give you the impression that my life entirely consists of rainbows and unicorns. Or at the very least, consistently happy children and a sane mother.

That was not the case this week.
This was the week in which I referred to my children (only to my husband of course – and now, evidently The Internets) as A Collective Gaping Maw of Need or alternatively as Unrelenting Hair Pullers and Whiners.
(I also feel the need to tell you that I am really not that photogenic. I delete all bad pictures of myself or crop them so my fat doesn’t show.)
I was not a great mother this week. I was not a great wife either. I was tired, short on patience, raw, melancholy, resentful and lazy.
But here’s the beautiful thing: their mercy is new every morning at this stage. They don’t hold a grudge.
Every morning, we wake up and I have a new opportunity to open my heart to love.
A new opportunity to practice patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. A new opportunity to parent them with grace. A new opportunity to love and be loved.
I’ve learned that usually the reason that they morph into this sucking maw of needs is because they are, in fact, a maw of needs that are unfulfilled. (I actually heard myself accuse Joseph this week of “being such a baby.” Um. Yes. He is, in fact, A BABY!)
Annie needed to play with me. Joseph needed to be held by me. They both needed me to give my time and attention to them. There comes a point when all of the toys and blankies and other distractions simply won’t do. And they only want their Mum.
I am all too aware that there will come a day when they won’t be needing me so much.
That alternately thrills me and terrifies me.
Today though, it’s making me want to be more present here, in this moment, with these two babies that just need me to give them this moment.
(Me and Annie, spending an hour together, just reading books at bedtime, one after another. Just us two.)
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  • Catherine Chiarino

    Hey…I just wanted to tell you that I stumbled across your blog about a month ago. I just love reading your posts. I also have two "tinies"…Christopher is 2 1/2 and Gabriel is 10 months. Since I stay home with them, and also watch another baby, I don't get out much to talk to other moms, and reading your blog is like getting away for a few minutes…getting ideas from another mom. I didn't have the best week either last week…but it is such a blessing to be able to start fresh in their love!

  • Walking to China

    The thing is that as your children get older, they still need you. They just need you in different ways. The physical needs are less but the talking, the time, the affirmation are still there.
    One of the best things I've done as a mom was to give Elisabeth time. I wasn't as good at it when she was little and I was working and just too exhausted to "play with me, Mommy" every time she asked. Sometimes my participation was half hearted. But we have good communication and a good relationship. You'll have the same, I'm sure.

  • Caz

    Oh, finally!! You are more like me. LOL

  • TheMaskedSparrow

    Sarah, we all have days/weeks like that. My sister warned me before we had our girls that I would. I didn't believe her because having children had taken us a long time, pain, tears and frustrations. I couldn't believe that after all that I would ever want space from my girls but it happened. There are days when I thank the Lord to close their bedroom door at night. Also, the days I wish I could delete. But you are right, they still love you even when you feel like you are the worse Mummy in the world.


  • Sara

    Great post. I love it and I relate to it completely! We always tell our baby to stop being a baby! Ha ha.