Well, I’m packing my suitcase (slowly) and getting ready for my first few nights away from my baby. I’m headed to the States to attend a writers’ conference. I’ll be gone Wednesday to Sunday. And I’ll be all by my lonesome.
I have a couple of different thoughts about what lies ahead.
First, I’m dreading my time away from Anne. I’ve never spent the night away from her. I am under no illusions – she’ll be fine and I’ll be a wreck. 
I can’t imagine not seeing her for an entire day so 5 days and 4 nights away seem unreal to me.
I’m also kind of scared. This is the first real “me” thing I’ve done in a long time. Brian bought me the entrance fee to the conference as a combined birthday-Christmas gift. We had a couple of airline vouchers that needed to be used up by June and points for a hotel. So altogether, it’s a pretty reasonable deal. It’s not the money that’s bugging me. Brian bought this experience for me as a way of saying “Your time is coming.” Sometimes, I think he feels like our entire life together has been focused on him – his calling, his ministry, his job, his schooling. We moved to the places we moved because it was what was next in his/our ministry together. I remember in particular a couple of times in my career that I had to refuse opportunities in order for us to stay in ministry. Once I was offered my pick of two jobs: one in New York and one in Boston. I turned them down without a thought because I knew that we were “called” to be in New Braunfels. And after we had Anne, we made the difficult to decision to stay on the path that God had called us to – Brian in seminary – which meant that despite my broken heart, I went back to work full-time. I think that feeling has intensified since then; we’ve made sacrifices for this. He wants it to be worth it so he studies so hard and tries to learn everything he can. But as we’ve gotten older, our life has become so much more entwined and we don’t really see things as “your calling” vs. “mine”. It feels tangled together. I’ve always been a writer and cherished dreams of being able to write as a full-time thing someday or at least publish something worth reading. This is Brian’s way of saying “I believe you can and your time is coming.” He longs to be back in full-time ministry for so many reasons but I think I’m starting to see that one reason is that he wants to be able to create the opportunity for me to be home with our kids and maybe write more. I love this giving, selflessness of him.
So here I go. Not as a career related thing where I show up to learn marketing or banking or leadership. Not as a mummy. Not as “Brian’s wife”. Not as a pastor’s wife. Just me. Just me and my dreams. There is no point really to this weekend other than for me to hang out with all these smart writer people, get inspired, learn some some and hopefully give some attention to this part of my soul. How intimidating. It can make me feel a little selfish and out of sorts.
What do writers wear? Will they sniff me out as a fake right away? As a wanna-be?
I am also really expectant. I have what us charismatics call “a stirring”…there’s something in my soul that says God is going to meet me here in some way. I don’t really know how or why, but I have a presentiment, a hunch if you will, that God has something for me. So I have my “spidey-senses” on full alert, open and ready for what that might be.
So I better go finish packing. I have the worst two travel days in the history of mankind (well, maybe not quite, but they still suck) ahead of me. And a three hour time change (drat the conferences that start at 8 AM – that’s 5AM my time!!!). I need my sleep. And I have to go gaze at my sleeping daughter to get my fill for five days and four nights of separation.
