Some of you were aware of this. Others, we hadn’t told yet.
Brian and I were pregnant again. We were due on 19 July 2008. We had planned this baby and were so excited. We were 9 weeks pregnant.
Unfortunately, we miscarried the wee one on Friday night at about 8:30. The experience itself was… easier (wrong word) than our first one. I bled heavily but the pain wasn’t as sharp. I did manage to save the wee baby and so we wrapped it up and then lost our minds together.
After a while, we called my sister to come and watch Anne while we went to emergency to make sure all was well. My sister came over and just held me. My mum and dad drove all the way here to wait for us to come home from the hospital. They wept with us. It felt good to have them here as we had weathered our miscarriage in Texas all alone.
Brian has been so supportive but he’s broken-hearted. He disappeared at one point and when I found him, he was standing in Anne’s darkend bedroom with the baby (wrapped in a tea towel), just weeping like his heart was breaking. She woke up and immediately reacted to the feeling by crying (she never wakes up crying even in the middle of the night). I held her and we all cried before she went back to bed. Brian felt awful for waking her up but he said he just needed to see her and felt she needed to say good bye to the baby too. I hurt so badly for him.
The doctors and hospital staff was incredible. Everyone of them hugged us and had tears in their eyes – even the doctor. You’d never guess it was Emergency. We got in so fast and everyone gave us lots of time and tenderness. I was so thankful for that. Brian crawled up on the exam table with me, his legs on either side, just holding me for dear life.
So now we’re home. Physically, I feel fine but emotionally, I feel numb and unbelieving. It is simply such a wrong thing. There is nothing right about it.
They are going to do an analysis on the baby to see if there is an answer. We are both incredibly healthy and seemingly fertile. So it’s odd that we’re 66% on lost babies (3 pregnancies, 1 healthy baby). I don’t really know that answers are forthcoming but we have a lot of questions. Both medically and spiritually.
I do trust God. I have to. I have nothing else right now. I’ve heard before that when you lose a child, whether it’s prior to birth or afterwards, that your child waits for you in heaven and that your family will be redeemed. I know that’s not in the Bible but it feels like something God would do.
I don’t understand. It feels sometimes like this type of loss creates a sense of “otherness”. I was unprepared for how devestating miscarriage could be with our first two years ago. Now that we’re walking this road again, I am more prepared. But still. Unless someone has experienced it, they can’t understand. We feel so separate as we mourn. No one else really knew this baby but me because I was carrying her. We had names chosen. We were so excited for Anne to have a sibling. It felt…so perfect. And then it was over.
So we just took it easy this weekend. Grieved and prayed a lot. I feel rather numb to be honest but broken.
We have felt very supported though by the prayers of our friends and families. Almost like we are walking on a floor of prayers.
So thank you.
