Ash Wednesday is tomorrow. Last year, I went to Christ Church Cathedral on my lunch break to join with the saints as we prepare our hearts for Easter. We prayed, read scripture and received the ashes, reminding each other that “we are dust and to dust we shall return”, beginning the process of making the way straight in our hearts and our community for the joy of Easter through this season of penitence, reflection, prayer and waiting.
This Ash Wednesday, I hope that I will be able to orchestrate simultaneous naptime so that I can spend some time on my knees alone. No cathedrals this year.
I typically close my blog down for the Lenten season. This year will be no different.
So this will be my last post until 13 April.
I usually take this time to remove something from my life that I feel takes up much of my time/energy in order to focus that energy/time on Jesus. This year, that is my time on the Internet that is focused on myself.
And then I focus on spiritual disciplines – fasting, prayer, silence etc. – to replace that time. The spiritual discipline that I’ve had rolling around in my spirit is “secrecy“. Secrecy is an oft-overlooked spiritual discipline and it’s where I’ve felt drawn.
I feel that my pride needs the wind knocked out of it and that practising secrecy is the best route there. After all, will people think I’m a good mother if I don’t write about my children? Will people think I’m funny if I don’t post fun status updates?
Will people know that I’m spiritual if I don’t tell them I am?
Plus there is the whole world of “status updates” and “Facebooking” and “Twittering”…if I don’t post about it, did it really happen? (Much like the proverbial “if I tree falls in the forest…”). It’s just another form of self-promotion, isn’t it? The fabulous women over at The Mommy Revolution wrote about this in a post called “Carla is jealous of your Facebook status” and the comments were really almost the best part. We’ve all got Facebook envy. Somehow I’ve started to need that validation.
So I will also be taking a break from updating my statuses (statii?) on Facebook and Twitter. There may be some “behind the scenes” tinkering of this blog, Facebook and my Twitter as I feel led. I have a stack of books I’m obligated to review and so will post those reviews today or tomorrow to get them finished. I am still planning on emailing and reading your antics, remaining present in your life through this medium.
I simply need to take a few weeks here and stop talking about myself. For heaven’s sake. I’m sick of me. I can’t imagine how you all feel. 
Plus, to be truthful, there is much that I need to focus on right now in my “real life”. Aside from the usual that comes along with raising two babies, being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend etc. of course.
- We are trying to finish off the application process with a denomination and it’s been hard. As in, I’m-starting-to-wonder-if-this-is-spiritual-warfare kind of hard. We need to finish this to move to the next step. Or are we being blocked because we shouldn’t do it, maybe God has something else for us?
- We have a lot of dreams and ideas we are praying about and through.
- I’m entering a new season of my life as a SAHM-slash-wannabe-writer. I feel I need to take a step back and wait on the Lord here. I don’t want to become cloistered nor do I want to become sheltered and cut off from the world. I need to know how to “do” this part of my life well, in a way that makes space for God.
- I’m turning thirty in just a couple of weeks. My twenties have been a tremendous time of change. I feel I need to pray about and for my thirties, open my soul up to where Jesus is taking me and ask for courage.
- I have felt very strong “creative writerly urges” for months. I need to follow these and see where they lead me. Maybe if I stop writing about all of the other stuff, I’ll be able to focus my energy that way.
There is much more. I need to wait. Slow the heck down and just wait with an open heart. I long with my whole heart to know Him more, to stop talking about Him and talk TO Him.
As the deer pants for the water, so my soul is panting after you, O Lord.
So would you do me a favour while I’m “gone”? Would you pray?
If you would like to contact me, you can email me at poetstyles@yahoo.com.
For more on spiritual disciplines, I recommend “The Life You’ve Always Wanted” by John Ortberg and “The Sacred Way: Spiritual Practices for Everyday Life” by Tony Jones.
If you’d like to start to follow the Daily Office, the best resource I’ve found is Phyllis Tickle’s “The Divine Hours”, one for Fall/Winter, one for Summertime and one for Spring.
There is a passage of Scripture that I have been meditating on in my quiet moments (those few quiet moments!). I’d like to share it with you to close this out.
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
“God has lost track of me.
He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
they walk and don’t lag behind.
Isaiah 30:27-31
